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Literature Text
My heart beats like thousands of drums beating for the crowd.
Every pumping pulse of my heart brings the blood coursing through my veins.
When I see you, my heart dances joys and triumphs.
When two hearts meet and sync their beats, so we are one being together.
This feels like universe is growing back together, Love.
Every pumping pulse of my heart brings the blood coursing through my veins.
When I see you, my heart dances joys and triumphs.
When two hearts meet and sync their beats, so we are one being together.
This feels like universe is growing back together, Love.
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Comments1
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You asked for critique, so here I am. I apologise that it took a week, but unfortunately, real life just had to get in the way of my deviantART time! But, this is a lovely piece. You have really put across here the feelings of happiness and romance associated with seeing that one special person, and I can definitely relate to this. I like the imagery you have used; in particular, the universe is growing back together. However, this is a critique so I have some points to make.
Firstly, I felt that some of the language you used is a little cliché. I know that this is a love poem, and love is always a cliché, but there are some words you must always avoid at risk of being unoriginal. Whilst I enjoyed the idea of your heart beating like drums for a crowd, as you gave an original spin to tired imagery, blood coursing through my veins and we are one being together need a revamp, I feel. They are overused phrases and make the poem seem as though you have patched together existing thoughts and ideas, rather than creating your own evocative imagery. Bear this in mind, and I would like to see what new ideas you come up with.
With regards to spelling and grammar, there were a couple of mistakes if you don't mind me pointing them out. Firstly, although the pacing of the piece was fair and easy enough to read with, I did feel the way you pluralised both beats and thousands in the first line didn't quite work for me. After some thought, I'd like to suggest instead; 'my heart beats like a thousand drums'. For me, this was softer and quicker to read, with less of a bump when reading aloud in particular. There is also a spelling error with synch - it should be 'sync'.
Finally (I promise), I wasn't sure about your use of the word 'Love' after the comma at the end. It felt awkward to read and I didn't entirely understand the meaning of it. Are you trying to emphasise the subject? If so, I would recommend use of paragraph spacing as the capitalisation sticks out as being grammatically incorrect and unnecessary. We already know that you are talking about love, and the imagery behind the universe coming together is so powerful, having a word stick out like that afterwards undermines the line. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this.
I am so sorry if I have been overly brutal - I know better than most how overwhelming it can be to receive a big critique like this, after the lovely *Carmalain7 left a critique of something like 2,500 words on one of my recent pieces! - but I honestly hope that I can be of at least a little help, or if you think I'm being silly, you can feel free to disregard this comment altogether! You are a great writer, though, with a great mind behind your work, so keep it up and I look forward to hearing more from you.
Firstly, I felt that some of the language you used is a little cliché. I know that this is a love poem, and love is always a cliché, but there are some words you must always avoid at risk of being unoriginal. Whilst I enjoyed the idea of your heart beating like drums for a crowd, as you gave an original spin to tired imagery, blood coursing through my veins and we are one being together need a revamp, I feel. They are overused phrases and make the poem seem as though you have patched together existing thoughts and ideas, rather than creating your own evocative imagery. Bear this in mind, and I would like to see what new ideas you come up with.
With regards to spelling and grammar, there were a couple of mistakes if you don't mind me pointing them out. Firstly, although the pacing of the piece was fair and easy enough to read with, I did feel the way you pluralised both beats and thousands in the first line didn't quite work for me. After some thought, I'd like to suggest instead; 'my heart beats like a thousand drums'. For me, this was softer and quicker to read, with less of a bump when reading aloud in particular. There is also a spelling error with synch - it should be 'sync'.
Finally (I promise), I wasn't sure about your use of the word 'Love' after the comma at the end. It felt awkward to read and I didn't entirely understand the meaning of it. Are you trying to emphasise the subject? If so, I would recommend use of paragraph spacing as the capitalisation sticks out as being grammatically incorrect and unnecessary. We already know that you are talking about love, and the imagery behind the universe coming together is so powerful, having a word stick out like that afterwards undermines the line. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this.
I am so sorry if I have been overly brutal - I know better than most how overwhelming it can be to receive a big critique like this, after the lovely *Carmalain7 left a critique of something like 2,500 words on one of my recent pieces! - but I honestly hope that I can be of at least a little help, or if you think I'm being silly, you can feel free to disregard this comment altogether! You are a great writer, though, with a great mind behind your work, so keep it up and I look forward to hearing more from you.